GOD ARYA IS SUCH A SUCKY LITTLE WET THING!
by Jack Skellington's Mistress
Summary: Just read the goddamned story, Willis. Jeez.
1. Chapter 1

Things i will not do to Arya:

I will not poke Arya in the eye and tell her i was under the Imperius curse

I will not laugh when she tries to keep her face solemn

I will not cry when she smiles because it's so ugerly (Even though it is)

I will not scream "MARY SUE ALERT!!' When she walks past

I will not drive a wooden steak through her heart then say "woops, hand slipped!"

I will not make farting noises whenever she sits down

I will not sing "Man eater" when she's around

I will not change her hair colour when she's asleep

I will not tell everyone she is pregnant to Oromis

I will not tell everyone she is pregnant to Durza

I will not sing "Everybody's Fool" when she talks

I will not get Eragon to kill her while i have him under the Cruciatis spell for reasons of my own... Tee hee...

I will not scream at her "OUYAY REAAY AAY LUTSAY!!!! RAGONEAY SIAY INEMAY!!!!!!!!!! HUCKPAY FFOAY!!!!!!"

I will not shove her into a pot of boiling elephant dung

I will not put size 23 knickers on the end of her bed and keep the door open so everyone can clearly see the label

I will not put her in a cell with Durza and see who make the first move

I will not push her off a glacier

Thankyou. I am at ease. For now. THANK THE GOOD LORD that i don't own Arya. If you have any other suggestions of really crappe' things i could do to Arya, REVIEW!!!!


	2. Revenge of the AryaHater

Far out!!! Anyone would think i was FUNNY!!

I have writers block big time right now, which means that there might not be any updates on Eragon Is Better Than Murtagh for a day or so. Which is, like, forEVER. But i'm slowly persuading people that he IS hotter and sexier and... yeah. Better. So anyway. We all want Arya dead, right? So i have a few more ideas what to do with her first...

I will not put acid in her underwear

I will not jinx her sword so she can never win

I will not write on the walls of ancient cities "Arya is a...bum!"

I will not attempt to set her up with Shruikan

I will not put an elephant wearing skimpy clothes next to her so people wont notice the difference

I will not tip red ink on her chair

When she gets stroppy i will not say "Well! WE all know what time of the month it is!!!!"

I will not ask if she was the baby Michael Jackson almost dropped

I will not ask her how to spell Ipod and laugh hysterically when she says "I...P..."

I will not ask her what REALLY happened between her and Durza. Coz i SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!

I will not claim she looks like a retarded banana.

I will not cry when she opens her mouth to talk

I will not say to her ""You like like you've been hit over the head with Roran's crappy hammer!!!!!" Which incidentally, i will talk to Roran about doing...

I will not ask if she has been electrocuted recently. Again, i'll organise it with Roran...

I will not talk REALLY quietly and then when she asks me to repeat i won't scream "GOD!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF OR SOMETHING??????"

I will not take her to my care group at school and show her the REAL FACTS OF LIFE!!!!! ie, Boys picking their noses and flinging them, people rumaging under tables for bubblegum, Emily trying yet agin to convince me that Ed Speleers isn't the single most hott thingymajig on the milky way bar, even though he totally IS!!!!!!!

I will not introduce her to all my cousins in turn, ESPECIALLY B and D

I will not kiss Eragon right in front of her to make her jealous beacuse, let's face it, EVERYONE is jealous of who Eragon is making out with!!!!

REVIEW!!!!!


	3. Bloody writers block

Yay!!!! i FINALLY got some suggestions!!

Ok, here are some more as everyone but centra seemed to like it:

I will not spread rumors that Arya is spying for Durza.

I will not petition the elves to kick Arya out of Ellesmera.

I will not convince Oromis that Arya's a bad influence on Eragon's training and

get him to attack her.

I will not lock Arya in a room with Eragon-loving, Arya-hating readers and see

what happens. ((Thanks for those, Geek Squared!!!))

I will not ask Arya to listen to My Humps on my iPod

I will not publically humiliate her by telling everyone the REAL reason she doesn't like Eragon back (She's a GAY Mary Sue, duh!!)

I will not ask if she has ever had headlice, and i she says no wrap some up as a 17367124th Birthday present

I will not take her daggers off her, slap her hand and shreik "Bad Arya! Don't play with sharp objects!"

I will not test if she is a witch by burning at the stake, drowning, execution or otherwise fun stuff

I will not play her the Nightmare Before Christmas themesong over and over until she cracks (Didn't that ALREADY happen?!)

I will not ask her to jump down a bottomless pit to see what's in there

I will not tell her paisley is the new tunic

i will not spray paint "Lutsay!!!!" on her forehead, claiming to be giving her a make-over

I will not ask the local woodpecker to sit on her shoulder

I will not tell her chilli powder tastes like chicken

I will not infuriate her so when she talks i can look at her as though she has grown a third head and run off screaming

Damn this writers block!!!!!! Come ON!!!! I really need suggestions here!!!!!! I also need a girlfriend for Galby in my other tory. Anyone willing????? Didn't think so...


	4. Thanks, Emma and Shell!

Yellow!!! I got a review asking what a Mary Sue is, so here goes. A Mary Sue is someone considered prefect. Perfect hair, clothes, eyes, skin, personality and abilities. Someone like Arya or Murtagh. They are the ideal condition. A male Mary Sue is a Gary Stu. But AAAAANYWAY!! have any of you heard the song Chemicals React?? It's AWESOME. yeah, sorry. Just had to say that... Thanks to DevilSister and Michelle, who made this chapter possible!!!!

I will not tell Arya i have a fear of bluntness, so she must stay away

I will not lecture her on everything she says, E.g.-

Arya: Do you have a pencil?

Me: Now listen here! Thousands of forests are being cut down so you could have your OWN pencil, and billions of animals slaughtered so you DIDN'T HAVE TO BORROW MINE!!! Now it's not MY problem if you can't just look after your things! There are starving children in Africa, dying tigers in Tibet!!!!

Arya: Don't worry, i'll ask Brom.

I will not become a mime just to peeve her off

I will not ask her for evidence E.g. "Hey, im Arya" "PROVE IT!!!"

I will not ask why she is wearing an elephant suit

I will not point out that ELVES HAVE POINTY EARS, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

I will not ask her for a glass of lemonade. When she asks why she should get it, say that's what i thought house elves did

I will not tell her Dobby was better

I will not spread rumours she is in love with a shoe

I will not play "This Is Halloween" when she is nearby

I will not tell her she is quite pot-bellied and proceed to slap her

I will not ask her where she keeps her corset

I will not ask her why in the movie she shows emotions easily and seems to like Eragon (DIE EVIL WHORE!!!!!)

I will not speak to her only in acronyms:

Arya: how are you!!

Me: Well, my life has been made so much less crap now YOU'RE here!!!

I will not claim to know the LATEST style, then proceed to dress her up in aluminium foil

I will not take an inch off her clothes every night, so by a week she is know as the "Town Slut"

I will not tell her i made a special song just for her then play her "Bimbo nation"

I will not tell her to jump into an active volcano, claiming it's a Jacuzzi


	5. ANOTHER note!

**Yellow again peeps!**

**Here are some reviews that stood out...**

Given-inside

Well, I don't even know what the heck a 'Mary Sue' is, but I do know that this

Centra person is a fuking pain in the a! Tell him (or her) to go to hell and

screw the devil for her harsh comment. Besides, there are things in fanfiction

that really don't belong (like Eragon x Murtagh's 'brotherly' make out stories).

This is two thousand times better than those crappy things. So fuk that lousy

son of a bitch and toss him (or her) into a boiling pot of elephant sht with

Araya! (Technically, I didn't swear. I sensored it.)

Keep writing and who gives a care what others think?

John.

**OMG!!!! MARRY ME JOHN!!!!**

**I'm not too big a fan of those EragonXMurtagh ones myself... And that has to be the nicest thing a stranger has said to me! You've made my otherwise crappy day!!**

**Here are a few from Seregwen Morthil, one after the other... not that i don't appriecate it!!**

Oh... someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Why would you drive a steak through her heart?

Steaks are rather floppy (unless they've been cooked for a very long time) and

rarely have convenient sharp edges for hammering into people's hearts.

Of course, if it was wooden, that might help...

**EVERYONE has pointed this out!! This is what happens when you let a friend type!!!**

She likes like she's been hit over the head with a hammer?

Wow. That's a pretty comatose way to like.

How many bananas do you know?

I mean, how does one tell the difference between a normal banana and a quote

unquote retarded banana?

Maybe it's something in the facial expression.

**Yep, it is. That mushed expression you would usually only find at the bottom of your school bag...**

"Well, my life has been made so much less crap now YOU'RE here!"

I didn't know that was an acronym.

I thought an acronym was the first letter of several words placed together to

make a new word.

Like laser.

And radar.

And tip.

To Insure Promptness.

I guess I was wrong.

**I thought they were opposites?? Like, the... OHHHHH!!! i mean antonym. Sorry!**

From: Sparky Heffely This has got to be the stupidest thing I've seen on fanfiction. There is no

point.

GET A LIFE!

Sparky

P.S. Centra had the right idea.

**I sent her a PM about this...**


	6. GRAND FINALLE! Thanks yall!

"**Erin this is so totally worth writing... AND U HAVE TO KEEP ON WRITING IT (the story/list thing not nessasarily the authors note things...) OTHER WISE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MURDER YOU...no wait... THAT MEANS THAT IT WILL NEVER BE UPDATED! NO! Ok... I WONT murder you... I will stop takling to you." Ahhhhhhhhhh EMMA!!! I WAS going to delete this story, seeing as no one would even NOTICE, but ya just HAD to do this!! Well too bad!!! This is the FINAL chapter!**

I will not accuse her of glue-sniffing addictions in public.

I will not hold up my hand when she tries to speak to me and exclaim, "Look, i KNOW what you're going to ask me, but the final answer is NO, i will NOT go out with you!"

I will not ask what gender she is.

I will not ask her mysterious questions, scribble in a notebook and mutter about "Phycological profiles".

I will not call her "Sir" or "Mr."

I will not buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off in front of her.

I will not claim to speak in the Ancient Language then say "Khgjhgsdjhfkdjfghkjfghekughethj!"

I will not clear my throat or giggle every few words whilst speaking to her.

When she walks past, i will not point really obviously and whisper something to my neighbor while giggling.

I will not develop an unatural fear of Elves.

I will not add any inflection to the end of my sentences to her, producing awkward silences with the impression that i'll be saying more any moment.

I will not shriek loudly at whatever she does, claiming she is upsetting Oobliette, my imaginary friend.

I will not only refer to her as "Dude".

I will not finish every sentence to her with "Monkey see, monkey do."

I will not light road flares on her birthday cake.

I will not lie about really obvious and trivial things, like the time of day.

I will not make up words and use on her, just to see if she plays along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

I will not book all her appointments for September the 31st.

I will not make beeping noises when she backs up.

I will not make up really annoying and embarassing nicknames for her to use in public, like "Blunt-eared pal".

I will not constantly laugh at the joke "If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"

I will not make continuous eye contact.

I will not practice making fax and modem noises.

I will not practice the art of limp handshakes.

I will not repeat everything she says as a question. Like so, "Hey Erin, stones are cool." "Stones are cool?"

I will not repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now." when she talks

I will not run through the halls of Ellesmera with my arms outstretched, making airplane noises, periodically crashing into Arya and losing a wing spiraling to a crash and then repeating.

I will not excessively ask her if she's wearing deodorant that day.

I will not signal our conversation is over by clamping my hands to my ears and screaming.

I will not stare at her for five minutes, making sure she knows i'm doing it, then "Sneaking" up to her while humming the 'Mission: Impossible' themesong.

I will not tell her she's putting on weight nicely.

I will not tell her that her accent isn't fooling anybody.

I will not tie jingle bells to all her clothes.

I will not stare out a window while she's talking, then at the end say "Start over, i wasn't listening."

I will not mutter to myself when she asks me to do something "That wont be necessary where YOU'RE going..."


	7. New BeginingTHE STORY

**Okay, so i know I said this was completed!! But since I have SIXTY REVIEWS I decided I should perhaps put it into a story if you're good. It will be several parts, not a continuous one, so that if I don't get enough reviews I can stop. So review, flame or not! This chapter is dedicated to all the fellow Arya Haters out there!! WE WILL SOMEDAY RULE THIS EARTH!!!! Warning, made up words foreseen. Erin wants reviews!!**

I stood at the doorway to Arya's room. It was just how I had planned it! Her shudder clothes were lying at the end of her bed, which was clearly visible from the hallway. I pulled a pair of size 23 underwear from my pocket (No, they weren't mine!!) along with a pole and a hook. I screwed the hook into the end of the pole, and started fishing in the clothes. There. I had her skanky knickers hooked onto it. I removed them from Mr Poley with my latex glove, and gently arranged the size 32 pair in full view of the corridor. I died a little inside as I realised I was still holding Arya's skimpy jsdhsjkhffgkdu, and quickly kicked it under the bed...uhhh mattress...uhhh sleeping thingy.

I sprinted down the corridor, where my friend Jypsi waited for me. She started running with me. So I guess that was a good thing, since then I had someone to blame when we ran into Arya. I swore in every language that I knew, most of which were made up, and tried to skid into the hard, stone wall rather than Arya. Jypsi screamed and ran in front of me, the good friend that she was. So ultimately, Jypsi crashed into Arya and I crashed into Jypsi, leaving a puddle of confuzzled people. I took this opportunity to poke Arya in the eye, luckily with the latexed hand. "Ouch! What was that for!" She cried, rubbing the now swollen eye socket. "I was under the Imperious Curse." I stated simply, now brushing myself off. She tried to smile like she understood, and I burst into tears. Jypsi soon followed. Startled, she backed away down the hall. We didn't stop her. Pfffff, like we would!! We dried our eyes and set out again. It was turning out nicely, and grins of satisfaction took over as we heard Arya's screams of "THIS ISN'T THE SIZE I WAS IN THIS MORNING!!!!!!!" That was our que to run like hell. We passed several stunned people, shouting, "ARYA'S PREGNANT TO DURZA!!!!" on our way through.

After running a fair way around the castle, we finally decided since Arya wasn't actually chasing us and never had been, we should perhaps stop. Jypsi tripped over an elephant-foot umbrella stand and I slumped on a bed, only to have it collapse beneath me. "Bob! These things aren't made for slumping are they?" She shrugged and crawled over to the wreckage I had been too lazy to get out of. "We need a p-l-a-n."

"Ummm why did you think I couldn't spell PLAN?" She shrugged again. Hey, running takes a lot out of you. "And a p-l-a-n for WHAT, egg sacker lee?" She slapped me upside the head. "To get Slutty REEEEEEEEEEEAAAAALLY embarrassed!!" I slapped HER upside the head. "If she isn't embarrassed by herself now, I don't think she ever will be!" Furious screams filled the hallway. We heaved ourselves from the collapsed bed and squiggled under a big oak desk, conveniently nearby, just as Arya burst through the door. She saw the wreckage, and the desk (They were the only things IN the room. Hey, don't blame me, I'm a blonde!) and slowly walked towards us. It might have helped if the desk wasn't facing her, and was actually concealing us. I pinched Jypsi, ordering her to follow my lead. Arya knelt down beside us, so we were face to face, practically hissing. I whispered loudly to Jypsi while still nervously looking Arya in the eye, "I don't think she can see us! Maybe we should, like, run or something?" Jypsi shook her head. "It'd never work! I think our best bet is to-" Arya suddenly spat, "You DO realise that I can hear you?" Jypsi and I started muttering.

"Never, never..."

"Like THAT'D happen..."

"She's lying..."

"All lies..."

"The little..."

"Liar..."

"Now I know what you mean when you said..."

"Kisama..."

"Complete bakamono..."

"Oh totally..."

"Couldn't agree more..."

"Yeah, like SHE could hear US.."

"And see you!!" She butted in. We looked at her in disdain.

"Oh, the lies..."

"When will it cease..."

"Let's kill ourselves..."

"Agreed..."

Arya made a "GGGGGUUUUURRRAAAAAWRRRRRRWWWWWW!!!!!!!!" sound and stampeded out of the room. We giggled. Where she had knelt down, we had 'accidentally' spilt a foul substance referred to as 'elephant dung', which was now aaaaaaaaall over her pants. I was actually surprised even SHE didn't notice. Just as well we always kept a supply of weird stuff in our bags, or this wouldn't be possible. We dodged the elephant crap as we hurried out. "ABORT!!!!" Jypsi screeched as Arya suddenly leapt at us from behind. "JYPSI!!! RUN!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!"

"OKAY!!!!!" she screamed back, running away. If anything, this made me more depressed. I had an elf clinging to my back, trying to beat me with a pointy object, and my friend had just run away. I sat down, and Arya fell off with a thud. "Arya, can I ask you something?" She eyed me suspiciously before nodding. "A-are you th-the baby Mi-Michael Jackson-" here I shuddered "-almost d-dropped?" She opened her mouth to speak and I burst into tears again. Michael Jackson, Arya, desertion, no chocolate... this was turning into the worst day EVER. Then it got worse. Arya PUT HER HAND ON MY SHOULDER!!! Luckily, though, I was saved the trouble of doing anything when Jypsi made a savage war cry and pounced, cracking Arya with a candelabra.

"RETARDED BANANA!!!!" we called over our shoulders, as we ran into the sunset. Well, the um... wall. But that's beside the point! The point is, we LEFT.

RANDOM ADVERTISEMENT!!!

**Sensing a sense of impending doom, I jumped out the window of that windowless room. Screaming about my eyes, though my eyes were not there. I left them at home this morning in a jar that doesn't exist, and being eyeless made me really rather pissed. **

**Lasha's story "WAYS TO ANNOY DURZA" is BRILLIANT!! So just go and effing read it!!!**

"Sigh. If only the frizz of champagne could save the folly umbrellas... twas a reasonable modem, sure enough, but the shiny twigs paid dearly for their sins. And death unto the tree-house surely must cometh onto thee?" I recited in my most dramatic voice. "What the..." Arya shook her head. "Moving on-" "Scottish doors are foolish in the jive of olden Coke. Pygmy goats fly through the thoughts of many a stone and pebble, and the soft whisper of a ukulele. Sword in eye, the sticker of Yon has returned to the Shore of Sure! Surely the shore must see that for sure, shores are surely seen, ARYA!!!" She stared at us in shock. "Have you been snorting leaves again?" I glared at her. "I told ya, I'm clean now!" Jypsi spoke some words of sense. "Maybe the egg whisks can shed some light on it?" I nodded fiercely. "My butter knife just told me that you're pregnant to Oromis. Ture or Fasle?" I asked a stunned Arya. "Hey! I-"

Jypsi shook her head. "No, twas Durza!" we both giggled.

"D-dung flung from clingy flailing quails!

U-unibrow is joking about wires!

R-raindeer, abort!!

Z-Zen is good for the cookies and Kliffton!

A-anyone with a suspersophogeoganglean can see that this is ishmae!!" Arya dropped her arms to her sides. "Seriously, what the f-"

"A-AIDS is common among this elf!

R-real headlice fly south!

Y-yellow carpet, must you hassle me so?!

A-any time is a good time for a musical tree!"

"YOU LITTE-"

"497...

poke

pike

pick

pock

peck

puck

pluck

phuck

pack-"

"Alright! I'm leaving!" We simultaneously knelt down and kissed the floor. "Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name..." once she was around the corner, we laughed so hard we had to run to the restroom. It's just one of those things you can't stop, ya know? As we giggle and guffawed our way down to the bottom level, we noticed pieces of paper (Erm, parchment? Papyrus? Tee hee... see!! Still laughing!!) stuck on doors and walls, claiming there was a 'banquet' on that night. Of course, we were 'banquet' crashers.

We descended the stairs in utmost sophistication. Jypsi wore a velveteen dress of purple, with outrageous ostrich feathers adorning the back, like they were sticking out of it. Her newly-dyed purple hair complimented it nicely, as did her amethyst necklace and earrings.

I was wearing a hot-pink gown, satin, and a kilo of jewellery. My newly dyed pink hair also matched my outfit. Our dresses were tailored HUUUUUUUUUGE because they had to accommodate all the stuff we had hidden up them.

But obviously, being poor and peasants and all, the Alagaesians couldn't understand TRUE fashion for what it was.

In Jypsi's hand was a small glass bottle of red ink. We went straight to the dining table, inwardly thanking Bob that they had nametags for each person on the table places. We found Arya's and 'spilt' the red ink all over her seat, about three seconds before everyone was asked to sit down. Holy Lord above. Our seats were opposite Arya. (Gulp.) She was wearing an emerald dress, which I might have liked if it wasn't tainted so.

All through the meal, we sat and talked with posh refined voices, REALLY loudly so as to give the impression of importance. We didn't even eat anything. A weird-looking dude asked us our names. We just smiled at each other and turned away. Best keep the output of information to a minimum. But FINALLY, the meal was over. We shoved our fists into our mouths as Arya stood up. A low murmur, and several sniggers, were heard. She turned away, and the table burst out in laughter and gasps. The dude that was sitting next to her tapped her arm, and she spun back to face the table. He leant up to her ear and whispered. Her eyes grew wide and she turned around her torso, trying to see the back of her dress.

To cut this part short, let's just say that she wasn't too happy. But we managed to get out of it by patting her (hard) on the arm and exclaiming, "Well, WE all know what time of the month it is! Don't be embarrassed, dear, it's perfectly natural. Perhaps you should ask your mother about it?" Which ultimately lead to a rather large hissy fit, and a change of clothes for Arya. She got sympathetic looks all around. Then I saw him. Eragon. Sexxy, sweet and Hott beyond all I had imagined (and I had imagined him a LOT.) I screamed, but it was hardly heard in the kerfuffle of the hall. I told Jypsi the plan and she ran off, only to return with Arya the Extremely Disgruntled Elf. I tapped one side of my nose, winked, said "Watch and learn, lil' elf." and strode over to Eragon.

I grabbed him and kissed, making sure Arya could see EVERYTHING. Hey, this wasn't JUST for my pleasure, but for Arya's dignity. I let go of him and walked off. I seriously didn't see his face all that time, just Arya's over his shoulder. Eyes wide. Mouth open. Hands clenched. Lip trembling. Oh yes, Arya was in luuuuuuuurve! Eragon called out, but I kept going. Keep the mystery, I decided.

So that was The Best Night Of My Life, which, until we got dressed up and ate chocolate, was The Worst Day Of My Life.

RANDOM SONG!!!!

"**No one" by Aly and Aj**

Yeth. So. Jypsi stayed behind a little longer after I made my dramatic ascend up the staircase. I actually think Eragon was following me, but I didn't want to talk to him. I felt bad for using him like that, but not bad enough to actually confront him or really change anything. I got a kiss, he got a kiss, and Arya didn't. Win-win-lose. But anythewho, when Jypsi finally stumbled through the door of the little room we were staying in (So what if it was small? We had four-poster beds!!!) I was painting my nails. I had done them pink with little red love hearts. They looked quite cute, like I had brought them from Happy House. Jypsi knocked over my bottle of "Pink Shock" (luckily, after I had used it) and lay in a star shape on her bed. "Uhhhh baba lou?" She looked at me. "Is it possible that you could like, not continuously spill my nail polish?" She shook her head and laughed. I was just starting to think maybe she wasn't laughing about her shaking her head (it really wasn't that funny) when she decided to elaborate on said laugh. "After you left, Arya screamed at me and Eragon and tramped to her room-" I 'tffffffff'ed and said in an undertone " 'Tramp' is right..." Jypsi shushed me and continued. "And Eragon asked me who you were, and why you... did that." my wrist involuntarily flicked, and my love heart turned into a broken heart. Ahhhh I hate signs! "I told him you were Erin and that you liked him, but did it to see Arya's reaction." I wiped at the crushed heart. "And I gave him our room number."

My repainted nail looked at me smugly. 'Ha ha. You had to face him sometime.' it told me. Well, not really. But you get it. While Jypsi laughed her hair-colour out, I gently blew on my nails. "There's a defining art in painting and drying nails, you know. You touch them too soon, they're ruined. You have to wait a little while." Jypsi threw a pillow at me. "Well I bloody well hope you aren't going to touch Eragon!" I threw the red nail polish at her. "You little ama!! You know what I meant!! If you make me see Eragon too soon, I'll likely stuff everything up" She walked behind the changing screen to get her sleepwear on. "It's not like you've ever spoken before. It's just... an awkward start. But you did kinda use him..." I hissed at her and put my hands over my eyes, now the nails were dry. "Maybe the egg whisks can shed some light on it?" I repeated her previous words. She chuckled and lay on the bed, now in her boxers and singlet. It was trivial girly sleeping attire, the type of thing you might wear at a sleep-over, so naturally I wore the same. It wasn't that late at night, maybe eight or nine. But I guess in Alagaesia that would be like "Four or three leagues before the moons waning" or something. So it really shouldn't have come as such a surprise when Eragon knocked on our door. We scrambled around, getting on some goddamn clothes. Ewwww, not that we were naked... dies

"Yes, can I hel- ahhh. Ello." was my feeble answer at the door. I might be random, might I don't know who's at the door before I open it. If I did, I would have got Jypsi to tell Eragon that I was fishing with a brother-in-law or standing in a barrel of eels or something other than hiding in the room. Until he hugged me and exclaimed, "I want to help piss Arya off!" that is.

**UUUUUUUUURGHHHH MY HANDS!!!!! I've never written so much before!! Hopefully yall will stop cracking the whip now, eh? And don't forget, I'm not updating until I have at LEAST 65 reviews, if not 70!! I'm aiming high, cause this is by far the longest chapter I have ever written!**


	8. Warning THE ROOM IN THIS STORY IS AWESUM

**YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! Big Kudos to Lizzie, cause she ROCKS MY VARIOUS TOE SOCKS!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! And Jypsi's retiring for a while, so Lizzie's replacing her in this chappy. SHE SHALLE RETURNE!!!**

* * *

The night was as dark as coal, stars barely a glimmer in the velveteen sky, the moon a dull glowing orb. Eragon peered around the corner. "The hair is in the toothbrush. I repeat! THE HAIR IS IN THE TOOTHBRUSH!!!!! Out." **((Scroll to the end to find what it's all about!)) **"Thank thee, Baba lou. I repeat! THANK. THEE. BABA. LOU. Over and Out." Lizzie slapped me in agreement and we set off.

We were currently in one of the big cities Christopher Paolini always talked about, not really caring about it's name, once again wearing big dresses. But umm, this time there was no red ink, only spray-cans of all different colours. We chose a wall where public viewing was a possibility, and began. Our backs arched in rhythm, hands whipping wildly with the tune of our creativity... the plan was 'Write on the walls of ancient cities "Arya is a...bum!"', and Lizzie was doing just that. Although, I was more concerned in my portrait of Ed Speleers. I finished his smile with another flick of my wrist, and we high-fived. Our faces turned pale as we realised our hands were covered in spray paint. "I know!!!" Lizzie cried, and i kicked her in a loving "Shut-up!" kind of way. She took off her balaclava and put her dripping hands to her mouth, before making some strange kind of bird cry. "KOOKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA...BOOM, SHAKALAKALAKA, KEEKEEKEEKEEKEEKEEKEEKEE WOOKYWOOKY-PITTANG!!!!!" For a moment, i thought it was in vain, but then... the swooping, whooshing of a giant bird's wings reached my ears, and i cried out as a strange looking bird landed on her outstretched arm. It had a head the shape of an arrow, and seven legs. "Erm..." It suddenly started pecking and swooping and poking. "LIZZIE!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CALL SOME MUTANT, RETARDED KIND OF WOODPECKER?!?!?!"

"It was vital for the preservation of abberkadinky!!!!" I stared at her as the bird was blinded my a poke of my fingernail. "Lizzie, please don't tell me you're on crack, like Christopher Columbus was." She shifted her eyes nervously. "Course not...don't be stupid..." I still stared. "Ok, so tell me how that giant bird was meant to get rid of this spray paint on our hands?!" She screwed up her face, thinking...

_**Lizzie's POV**_

_Ok...thinking thinking thinking... hahah...it's echoey in my head...hello (hello...hello...hello...) HAHAHAH!!! I dig. Wait...i wonder if...(wonder if...wonder if...wonder if...) ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREEEEEEAM!!! (Stream...stream...stream...) If you see a-_

"Lizzie, i've been talking to you for the past ten minutes. Are you seriously telling me you're still wondering why you made that bird call?!" Blank stare... "Maaaaaaaaybe..." We nodded in silence for a few moments, until we heard men approaching. "DAINTY GLOVES, DAINTY GLOVES!!!!!!!!" we screamed, pulling on our elbow-length white gloves to cover our gacky hands. "You there! What are you-" We swivelled around as three fat old men waddled into view. They stopped as they saw the wall. "We rushed out when we heard vandals! Look what they've done to this wall! Ruined!" Lizzie cried. I nodded and burst into tears. Suddenly Eragon moved in from behind the men. He made the funny elfy-gesture to everyone and came and patted my back. "What's happening?!" He whispered. "We got caught, but Lizzie told them it wasn't us and they believed us and now i'm trying to make it all look realistic." He dragged Lizzie and myself away from the scene, where more people were gathering. I heard a voice of reason from the gathering dwellers, "Let us leave this for the morning. Aint nothing we could do now'ey?" I held Eragon's hand as he lead us away, thinking of Jypsi. She had gone on a cruise to Barbados for a while, so i had called my other friend Lizzie to help with my plans. I hummed as i skipped along next to my bestest friend. Oh, and Lizzie. Tee hee... nah, she's good.

Eragon boosted us both back through my window, and followed shortly. I loved my newly-decorated room, which Lizzie had helped me with.

The walls were a brilliant wallpaper i had seen at Ikea, white with black trees that looked like they were from Nightmare Before Christmas. My four-poster bed had shiny, sparkly black bead strings hanging from it, and orange and black cusions. My curtains had Jack Skellington faces on them, and a shelf with a desk underneath contained a top hat, my mobile and Billiam, my iMac. A squashy, orange armchair sat next to the desk. My floor was uber goth, grey stone slabs with an awesome Nightmare rug, of the big curly hill with the orange full moon in the background. The legs of the bed and desk were black, with black wires spiraling down the length of them. I'd heard that orange, black and white were the colours Tim Burton gave for NMBC to be made it. Either way, it was utter AWESOMENESS. **(I WOULD show you the picture i made of it, but i dont know how to post a link, and also it's made on AppleWorks, and most of you have a PC so it wont work.)**

Anyways, we threw ourselves on the bed, leaving Eragon grumbling and sitting in the squashy armchair. "Right, now...what should we do next?? I'm sure i have a list somewhere..." Lizzie gasped at my words. "B-but ERIN!!! That's a list of what NOT to do!!!!" I narrowed my eyes, and pursed my lips. It made me look rather serious and brooding. "Sometimes things are made to be broken." Eragon said. "Solemn eight." We replied somberly, placing our hands over our hearts and casting our gaze downwards, where my very fashionable rug glared back. "I KNOW!!! 'I will not mutter to myself when she asks me to do something "That wont be necessary where YOU'RE going..."' " I exclaimed. They nodded their agreement, before we all fell asleep.

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**THE NEXT DAY**

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"Erin, please pass me my sword." Arya commanded coldly, outstretching her pale hand. Eragon, Lizzie and myself started muttering feriociously, eyes darting around, doing the perfect impression of Kreacher.

"That wont be necessary where YOU'RE going..."

"Oh the shame she brings this family..."

"I'll gouge my eyes out with the stem of a primrose before i do that..."

She narrowed her eyes and glared again, before striding past us to pick it up herself. Eragon grinned and stuck his foot out at the last minute. She was sent face-first into the dirt, but sprung up immediately. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR????" She contiued her ramble for a while, so i decided to cut her short a bit. "What was that?" Before she could answer, i did it myself. "What?" and then again, "Never mind, it's gone now..." She looked at me strangely, backing away. She stopped, several yards away, and opened her mouth to speak. Before she could... "Look, i KNOW what you're going to ask me, but the final answer is NO, i will NOT go out with you!" I took Lizzie and Eragon's hands and skipped away, merrily singing Old McDonald, leaving her gobsmacked, and covered in dirt.

* * *

**I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry it took me aaaaaaaaaaaages to update; and sorry to Jypsi, who wasn't in this!!!! I assure you, you're making a comeback!!! Anyway, i'm chuffed at how many reviews i've got, good and bad, and i'd love to see it all continue!!!! I got way more than i ever hoped, so thankyooooooou ev'rybady!! Anyways, the "Hair in the Toothbrush" thing is from when my friend Emily was sleeping over one night, and my mum got drunk. She told us not to stay up too late, that she was going to bed, and as an afterthought added "The hairs in the toothbrush now, girls!!" BYYEEEEE**

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	9. Bemoaning ghastly aching voids of a life

**WEEEEEEEEEE!! The first part of this chapter is written entirely, one hundred percent by Lizzie. Aka, Lilly Rose Redrider. I'd suggest reading (and reviewing!) her stories if you like this chapter, or indeed this story. They are much alike. I'd probably say that this chapter would be more violent, graphic, funny and longer (only because of her), so yeah. Please reviewwwwwwwww! Lots Of Love, Emmmmmm! PS-Thanks to .yashamew, for the brilliant idea!! I don't own Eragon, The Gay Song, DTB or...anything else!  
**

"Arya." I nodded deeply.

"Lizzie!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed. The sound of her scream was like...something GOOD. "Yeah, ummm, gee...I'm sorry about everything and...Eragon told me-"

"ERAGON?!?!!??!?!? WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!?!?!?!?"

I blinked. "Uhhh...nothing important really...only that you had to do a special task, or else all of Alagaesia will perish." Another blink, just to set the mood.

"Oh..." She replied. "Well...if that's really all..." I turned around, and she followed me through some random sparring room. _It's a pity, really, _I thought as I stepped over a fallen sparring partner. _...That her and Eragon aren't together. Then we could watch as he realised what a shithouse warrior she is, and giggle as he put her head on the end of his sword, exclaiming in triumph, "BITCH!!!" _

"Anything wrong?" Came Arya's cold drawl from behind me. I realised I had been laughing hysterically. "Oh...no, nothing! Don't worry your..._pretty_..._little_...head about me!!!" I said, haemorrhaging somewhere deep at heart by having to say this. Suddenly my phone started vibrating and belting out "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" and I scrambled to fish it out of my pocket while still walking. "Yellow." I said into it, being the utter copy of coolness. Erin's voice came back, "Is it working? Is she coming?" I nodded, forgetting she couldn't see me nod.

"Who could say no to my devious, hitherto persuading skills?!" I added.

"Jee, Lizzie, I just don't know!" She cried dramatically. "Gren fifty-nine." We agreed, then hung up.

"Can we resume our quest now?" Arya smirked from behind me.

"Whaaa? OH. Yeah. The quest...about that..." I said, acting awkward, and coming to a complete stop. She stared at me, and I shoved her through a door to our left. "Hey! What're you..." her voice trailed off as she saw Eragon standing there. Admittedly, he was looking quite tasty today.

"Erm...I'd better just be...GOING!!!!!!" I screamed, throwing confetti in her face and disappearing. I apparated (or whatever it was called) back to Erin's room, where she sat on her bed, still on the phone. She hung up immediately, then slapped her forehead as she realised, too late, she'd forgotten to say goodbye.

"You good?" I asked, throwing myself on the bed, but missing by about half the room and landing face-first on the floor.

"Why yes, yes I am. Lizzie, the bed's all the way over here...did you just try to flop onto it?"

"Heh...heh...no!" I rolled over to her and lay on the rug. We sat in silence for a few moments, occasionally checking our phones, but otherwise not moving.

"Is this going to take much longer?!" I said after a while.

"Well there ARE four-hundred and seventy-nine point three of them...and they're not so easy to conquer..." She got up and walked straight out of the room, not even waiting for me. I heaved myself up and ran after her, holding my arms out like an aeroplane. She stopped and I crashed into her, and promptly pretended to burst into flames. She pulled a rolling pin out of her bag and whacked me with it.

"What the hell was that for!"

"Meh uh uh...but you should do your aeroplane thing for Arya. She'll go nuts." We high-fived and resumed our walk upstairs to find out what was happening with our plan. Which, of course, was to make her do frustratingly hard maths problems. Like you didn't know.

There sat Arya, practically sobbing, at an oak desk, Eragon sitting on the other side of the room reading. At our arrival, Arya's eyes darted upwards and she finally did burst into tears. "I c-can't do this!" She sobbed, falling to her knees. Eragon looked at her in awe, while Erin ran over to him and I started my aeroplane routine. I stuck out my arms and make plane noises, while running around, pretending to fly. I ran straight into Arya, and made a screeching sound before falling over and flailing like a beetle on it's back. She stopped crying and looked at me in utter loathing. "You just HAVE to steal the attention, don't you!" she hissed, much like the Peruvian hissing tree-llama, which I had been fortunate enough to meet in my brief visit to India earlier that year.

"Arya, you know what?"

"What Lizzie." Arya sighed, resigned to her fate.

"You'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This chick was smiling at me and talking to me..."

"That's very interesting." She said, unenthusiastically.

"She was being real friendly, and I think she was coming on to me. I think she might've thought I was gay!"

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" She shuffled nervously.

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Arya..."

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!!! What do I care about some gay girl you met, okay? I'm trying to study." She shifted her eyes around a bit, and looked back down to her parchment.

"Oh, I didn't MEAN anything by it, Arya. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Lizzie! This conversation is over!!!"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"OVER!!"

"Well, okay, but just so you know..."

This conversation was getting increasingly bizarre, and Erin stepped in to help me explain it with a little ditty...

"IF YOU WERE GAY! THAT'D BE OKAY! I MEAN 'CAUSE HEY, I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY! BECAUSE YOU SEE, IF IT WERE ME, I WOULD FEEL FREE TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY!! BUT. I'M. NOT. GAY."

Arya was trembling at this point. "Lizzie, Erin, please! I am trying to study...what?!"

"IF YOU WERE QUEER-"

"Ah, Erin!"

"-I'D STILL BE HERE-"

"Lizzie, I'm TRYING to do these maths sums!"

"-YEAR AFTER YEAR-"

"Lizzie!"

"-BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME-"

"Argh!"

"-AND I KNOW THAT YOU."

"What?"

"WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO-"

"I would?!"

"-IF I TOLD YOU TODAY "HEY! GUESS WHAT, I'M GAY!! BUT I'M NOT GAY. I'M HAPPY!!! JUST BEING WITH YOU-"

Arya started muttering, "Eragon, Murtagh, Eragon, Murtagh..."

"-SO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GIRLS?!"

"Erin, that's GROSS!"

"No it's not! IF YOU WERE GAY! I'D SHOUT...HOORAY-"

"I am NOT listening!"

"-AND HERE I'D STAY-"

"La la la la laaa!"

"-BUT I WOULDN'T GET IN YOUR WAY!!"

"ARGH!"

"YOU CAN COUNT ON ME!!! TO ALWAYS BE!!! BESIDE YOU EVERYDAY! TO TELL YOU IT'S OK! YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY! AND, AS THEY SAY, IT'S IN YOUR DNA!!!! YOU'RE GAY!!!"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"If you WERE gay..."

"AAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

**((Yes, I realise people from India aren't Peruvian))**

**ERIN'S POV (again)**

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Arya screamed, and threw her books and paper out the window. She snapped her pencil in half, and stood fuming, hands clenched, staring at the wall. "GASP! ARYA! I'm sorry, but we just do not condone such behaviour as breaking the Varden's property! They're poor enough as it is!" She seemed to calm down slightly at this. "You're right," She said, "I'm sorry. Can I borrow another pencil, to finish?"

"Now listen here! Thousands of forests are being cut down so you could have your OWN pencil, and billions of animals slaughtered so you DIDN'T HAVE TO BORROW MINE!!! Now it's not MY problem if you can't just look after your things! There are starving children in Africa, dying tigers in Tibet!!!!" I stormed out of the room, Lizzie and Eragon close behind me. "GOD she is so INFURIATING!" Lizzie screamed. I wasn't so sure what she had done to be so infuriating this time, but I wasn't about to willingly defend her. I felt really tired...I hardly even noticed what Eragon and Lizzie were talking about, or where we were going, but I gratefully found myself on my bed within a few moments, and fell asleep instantly.

**47856934857984379538**

**THE NEXT DAY**

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"Uuurgh..." I groaned, trying to sit up. "Come on! I have things to do today!" I yelled at myself, kicking to try and get up. "YOU'RE NOT HELPING MY SITUATION!" I screamed at my legs. They stayed blank, not responding. "AHHHHH!" I cried, throwing myself off the bed. Lizzie chose that moment to walk in. "Anything wrong?" She asked absently, aher face smiling and serene. I stared at her hard, and my eyes opened wide in shock and terror. "YOU DIDN'T."

"I did...wait...what? I did what?"

"You made a move on that guy you've been orgasming over, didn't you! Monty, or whatever his name was..."

"Murtagh..." She sighed, rolling his name lightly off her tongue.

"Same difference." I said, finally getting myself off the ground. "I'm hungry, lets break our fast before we get started." I said, pulling a cloak over my shoulders and heading for the door. She wasn't following, but standing exactly in the same spot she was five minutes ago. I walked back up to her and waved a hand in front of her nose. Her smile never wavered. I threw a handful of pink glitter in her face, but other than making her sparkly, it achieved nothing. I tied a squirrel to a megaphone, and shouted through it, but nothing. This was really pissing me off.

"LIIIIIZZIIIIIIIIE!!" I screamed out. I pushed her. She fell, but didn't move a muscle, and stayed smiling. She was like a new Cardboard Friend! Ride on! But wait... that wasn't going to help! Cardboard Friends couldn't scheme and giggle at me falling over! They couldn't help cross things off my list! They couldn't make me hysterical! If ever there was a time to bemoan the ghastly aching void that is my life, that was it! I told her my ENTIRE life story. She soon snapped out of it...

"YEAH! I THOUGHT SO!" I yelled as she awoke. "Come on, we have to do number Something-"I will not spread rumours Arya is in love with a shoe", Lizzie! We can't give up now, the magical talking mosquito told us not to!"

"How do YOU know?!" She asked, rather loudly.

"Because, Lizzie, I'm random!"

"Oooooh! So you can read minds?"

"Yes, Lizzie. Indeed I can."And with that, I dragged her out the window of that windowless room.

**Until next time,**

**MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!! xoxo Emmeline**


	10. Don't kill me, I'm too Goth to die!

**Guess whaaaat! I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!! Sorry, Lizzie and Jypsi, but i'm thinking maybe every chapter or two, i'll change them around again, and at the end of the story bring EVERYONE back. What do ya think? Anyways, i'm only writing this chapter because my feet are cold, and i dont wanna get socks on unless they're toe socks, but they're all in the wash... ((SAD))**

**I don't own Eragon, DTB, NBC or black nailpolish.**

"IT'S TRUE!!! I SAW THE WHOLE THING!!!!!" Fathom screeched.

"Fath, seriously, I'll bite your bloody legs off if you don't keep your voice down! This cookie need to be baked in utter SILENCE, except for the gentle murmuring of my voice and-"

"I think she has the picture." Eragon muttered, storming into the room.

"...You ok? You seem kind of...annoying."

"No, just panicking deep inside since Arya's sending guards up here to keep us in the dungeons for a day or so, since she wasn't very grateful for our shoe-loving jokes."

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!" I cried, and thrust my had into the oven, retrieving my cookie (which was thankfully ready).

"That was stupid." Fathom said solemnly.

"Yep." We all agreed, then ran for the door. After five minutes or so of trying to get out before the other, we finally all pushed through and found ourselves face-to-face with the guards. Fathom mumbled incomprehensibly, and i stroked my warm little cookie, eyes darting nervously. Eragon sighed and gave in.

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**THE CELL**

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"Wow. This is shithouse." Fathom said dully. We had been digging a hole for an hour now with one of her hairclips, but had only gotten a few centimetres down. "We need a plan." She went on, and started describing her elaborate fantasies. Eragon groaned and huddled up to us closer, since it WAS the dead of night, and it WAS cold.

"NO!" I screamed, making them jump, "I HAVE A BETTER IDEA! WE'LL DIG TO THAILAND, DISGUISED AS CACTUSES!!!!"

"WOOO! HELL YEAH!" She high fived me.

"Or we could use the key i just found..." Eragon said, pointing to the top of the wall, where a key hung.

"..."

"I like my idea better...keep digging, Fath."

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"Sigh." Eragon sighed, taking up our habit of saying something instead of actually doing the thing. We'd given up digging, and lay on the cold ground.

"Nicely put, Eragon. Very well done." Fathom said sarcastically. Silence again.

"I hate Arya." I added. They nodded, but were still silent.

"Woah...wait...that key that we saw before, and ignored!!!"

We slapped our heads and burst into hysterics. Fathom lets tears of joy roll down her cheeks. "The...FUCKER!" She gasped out, clutching her stomach. For spending almost a day in a grimy cell, her black hair was still perfectly straight, and made me wonder just how much gel she used...

YES. It IS very short. But it's because I had this already written, and was planning to write more soon, but it's Lizzie's birthday tomorrow and I promised her a chapter which she could be in, so I have to make a new one quickly, and I also promised Fathom that she could be in this. So Fath, after the next chapter (being posted tomorrow) you'll get to be in an extra long one for the inconvenience! Sorry!

xxx Erin


	11. A very happy unberfdaii!

"MURDER MOST FOUL!!!"

"Lizzie! That's not the way I wanted to wake up!"

"Sorry, Err..."

Eragon "Hmph"ed and sat up, shaking his head to awaken.

"Ok, so what would you like, Elizabeth?" I asked. I had, after all, been sitting right next to her and still hadn't picked up on what "murder most foul" was about.

"Yeah...well...I felt like randomly screaming something out."

Eragon groaned and stumbled to the bathroom. "I may be a while. I need a VERY long bath..."

Lizzie burst into tears. "HE WAS HE BRAVEST PASTRY I'VE EVER KNOWN!!"

"Lizzie, I'm sorry. I truely am. But it's time to let go. Release your inner being!"

"I know...I should be over all this..."

We both had no idea what we were talking about, but we needed some sort of way to start our day off...

"You should, Lizzie. But right now it's time to put on that awesome tee you got for your birthday and face the world with a constipated grin on your face!"

"YEAH! You're right! I'm just going to MARCH out there and declare my love for Murtagh, wearing a cute t-shirt as I go!"

"When was this planned?!"

But it was no use. She had gotten up and pulled her shirt from the closet and pulled it on.

"Lizzie? Are you listening? Murtagh's an enemy now...you can't befriend him, let alone confess love!"

She giggled to herself as she hummed and skipped around the room. The tune she was humming was "Happy Birthday".

"L-Lizzie? Hello? I get very paranoid about not being listened to..."

Lizzie pulled on her sand shoes and tied her hair back, by which time she had reduced me to a useless, jibbering heap.

"Right! Now Erin, before I talk to Murtagh, we have to cross something else off our list...and just basically piss Arya of for making youse suffer in that cell..."

"Ok, I don't need an excuse to cause her embarrassment!"

We walked down the hallways, pondering which to cross of our list. Finally we settled on pushing her off a glacier.

"Wait...where're we going to get a glacier from?!"

"There's never exactly been anything like that in Alagaesia," came Eragon's voice from behind us, "Why don't you choose one more...possible?"

Finally, we settled on attempting to set her up with Shruikan.

We devised our first official plan: I would stall Arya as the combined strength of Eragon and Lizzie moved Shruikan out into a secluded room, where we would all push Arya and lock her in.

Lizzie and Eragon went to find Shruikan **(A/N: Remember, I haven't stated where they all are. But they're all there.)** While I trotted up to Arya. "Good day, milady! How is thee faring? Well, I surmise?" I asked jovially. She scowled and walked off, knowing better than to trust me.

"So...Arya...What do _you _do at night?" I said, leering suggestively.

She spun around, incredulous. "Um...sleep?"

"Is that what they told you to say?" I demanded, "Because I'm not buying it. The stalker I hired says you're selling Twix bars to underage children!"

In the background, Lizzie and Eragon emerged, a giant black dragon tailing behind them.

"You disgrace your people." She said, shaking her head.

"Listen," I told her, extremely annoyed. "I have a fondness for saucepans. Do you?"

She stumbled back a step.

"N-not that I k-know of."

"I didn't think so. I also didn't think that I came here to talk about my current obsessions, which include top hats, tail coats, Eragon, Avril Lavigne music, rice-cookers-"

"I do not have time to listen to your pointless rants! I must hasten!" Lizzie and Eragon were only half way across the hall, because they were trying to be silent. I had to say something, so that Arya didn't leave...Oh, and another part of our plan was "Write down how she reacts to your mention of Eragon" so I should probably mention him too...

"Eragon?"

"WHERE?!"

I stared. "Well...I was just wondering if you liked him..."

"NO! I DON'T! WOW, N-NO! NO! NEVER! NO! DEFENSIVE?! WHO'S GETTING DEFENSIVE?! I'M NOT DEFENSIVE. WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH TODAY?!"

"Arya, I must warn you...Eragon and I are together. I'm afraid I won't relinquish him."

Finally they had gotten out of the room, so I could let Arya storm away. "I'll get him eventually." She replied calmly, a look of stern determination on her face. Or maybe it was constipation?

"You might need some Pepto-Bismol for that..." I said, walking away again.

She followed, like I had hoped she would. I was leading her to Eragon, Lizzie and Shruikan. "I always get my way, _human._"

"I'm sorry, I didn't like the way you spat out the name of my race just now. Would you like to repeat that with your head in a bucket of Spanish lobsters, or walk away now with your dignity intact?" She was really pissing me off now. Just like that one time in band camp-

"I don't take advice from under beings well. You should know that. I'll have you for this, mark my words." She sneered, and walked through the doors where Lizzie sprung on her. She was immediately covered in a sack, and thrown in with Shruikan. "Nice job, Liz!"

"Thanks, Ezza!"

"Oh...and Eragon!" I gave them both a big hug.

"Ok, so lets see what you wrote down about Arya!" Lizzie grinned happily.

"Yeah..." I said distractedly, as Eragon gave me a kiss.

"W-what! 'Weird and strange'?! I can't believe you didn't write it all down! I specifically TOLD you to write it on this pad of paper! All you wrote were three pathetic words and..." She squinted down at the extra scribbled notes at the bottom of the page. "Is this a battle plan?!" She asked incredulously.

"Well see, I got a little distracted." I said defensively. "But the point is that-"

"Stick men, tick-tack-toe, LANDSCAPES..." Lizzie muttered as she flipped through the pages.

"You had that whole conversation to write down like, a sentence! But nooo!"

"She was boring me!" I said anxiously, jumping up and down. "Now I need to-"

Arya's screams could be heard, but we paid no attention to her.

Lizzie gasped suddenly, her eyes scanning the first few lines of a page filled with writing and diagrams. "Is this a BOMB THREAT?" She asked, incredulous.

"N-No! I mean...yes...maybe... I mean, Arya is trying to...I'm taking matters into my own hands...but I'm trying to say-"

Lizzie threw the pad back to me, shaking her head. She sighed and threw an arm over Eragon's shoulders. He shuffled nervously and tried to pull away, but she pulled him in closer.

"Eragon," She choked back tears. "Y...y...Oh, God..." She fluttered a hand in front of her face to cool it down and attempt to staunch the tears. "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BROTHER!" And Lizzie was reduced to a useless, jibbering heap.

"Lizzie...You mean Murtagh, right?" Eragon understood how stupid this question was, but the thought of Lizzie...senseless, insane Lizzie...being in love, and with _Murtagh _no less! Lizzie nodded, and blew her nose on his sleeve. "Well...he has a major drawback, Lizzie."

She sniffled. "What's that?"

"He's being controlled by an evil guy who is most probably sexually confused."

Lizzie and I giggled. You had to admit, he DID get a little too close to Durza...

"LET ME SAY THIS BEFORE I FORGET ABOUT IT!" I screamed. They nodded at me to go on.

"AryawantsEragonbuthe'sminesoshecan'thavehimandshesaidshe'llgethimanywayandi'mscaredsowehavetolikecrushherorsomethingtomakemefeelbetter!!!"

"Was there a particular plan for doing this?"

"YES!! We sneak into her room, steal all her clothes and beauty products and return to our domain."

Unable to find something better to say, Lizzie gnawed on a coat-stand anxiously.

**87934872837417367264573465c7345**

"Ok, Lizzie! Let's go through your list, shall we?"

"Meh."

"Ok...rope?"

"Yep."

"T-toothpicks?"

"Yep."

"R...rubber ducky?!"

"Marshmallows?!"

"Yep."

"GARBAGE LID AND SPOON?!"

"I know you're excited, but you don't have to yell...yep."

"What the heck are they for?!"

"They make a cool sound when you bang them together." She shrugged.

I stared. "Right...whaaa...picture frame?! What's that dong on here?!"

"I...I don't know...to stab her with?"

"Good enough for me! Alright Lizzie, I'll pack the bags up with these things if you can find Eragon for me. It's already getting dark."

"Will do!" Lizzie skipped off merrily, weaving in and out of protesting citizens. "ERAGONNNNNNNNN!" She screamed, seeing the tousle-haired teen through the crowd. "IT ITH TIMETH!!!!"

Eragon blushed at some of the stares he received, but hurried over to his friend anyway. "Lead the way." He sighed.

They returned to my room, where I was talking to a maid we had made friends with.

"...I'll be back in twenty minutes.. If not, my will is at the bottom of my bed underneath that salami sandwich. I left you the cat, a toe ring and a sharpie marker-the silver one."

"But I wanted he purple one!"

"Fine, take that too!"

Lizzie ushered us out of the room. We didn't want to be late.

**1347387798766578835m3434575**

"YES!! Alright...now _slowly _drag those over here!" We had finally found Arya's stash of beauty products. For someone 'naturally beautiful' she sure needed lot of help...hair straightener, fake eye lashes, teeth-whitener, mascara, lip plumping gloss...it was all there. We dragged it out from the wardrobe and shoved it all in our bags, along with her clothes. Just as well they were clean...

We'd just made it to the door when someone strolled down the corridor. We quickly ran out, Lizzie laying flat under a random bench, me crouching behind a potted fern and Eragon standing there, whistling and fiddling with his sword.

"Ahh, good evening Eragon!" Came an all too familiar voice.

"Good evening, Arya."

"I'm not all to sure that it is. If it _were _a good evening, Erin would not be hiding behind that fern." I mentally cursed that I hadn't got under the bench with Lizzie, but stood up anyway.

"Why were you hiding behind a plant?" Arya queried sharply.

Lizzie rolled out from the bench and said quite seriously, "Allergies. When her sneezing gets real bad, she has to crouch down and do a breathing routine behind a potted fern." And rolled under the bench again.

By the time Arya had looked back at me, I was wearing a false beard and holding a spanner.

"What the-"

"Errr...Hello! I'm from the Water Agency downtown, and ahh...I was just here to check the pipes!" I knocked on the door to demonstrate. Well, I would've if the door hadn't been five feet away. Instead I fell flat to the floor, and slithered away like a snake.

"Look, Arya. I'm sorry!" Eragon said, panicking.

"About what?" She asked coyly.

"I'm sorry they've been mean and I'm sorry I kicked your cat and-"

"You kicked my cat?!"

"Yeah but-"

"But Eragon...I don't _have _a cat!"

"Oh...must've been Durza's..."

"Wh-"

"BYE!" Eragon ran, flat out after us.

"If you're being pressured into taking drugs, you can tell me!" He called out over his shoulder.

**1283723875487568371298723**

"It was YOU!!!!" Lizzie and I turned around, and screamed. There stood Arya, wearing a sack (literally) and looking quite...actually, normal. Her hair was frizzed slightly, her face less pointed and her eyes very pale and plain. She looked like a normal person.

"We've done you a good thing, Arya."

"GIRLS!!!"

"Shiiiiit!"

We turned around again and this time found ourselves facing a pissed off Nasuada.

"Arya has told me everything! Into my study, now!"

We gulped and followed her down the hall, where Arya was given new clothes and continued following us, a gigantic grin on her face. Of course she wasn't allowed in, but she'd probably seduce the guards into letting her listen or something...

Anyway, I'll shorten this down into saying that Nasuada wasn't too happy and gave us extra chores to do.

We were so furious, that on the way out of her room we kicked every garden gnome in sight. Not that there were any, but if there WERE!!

"Excuse me?" Arya interrupted smugly.

"What do you want, Fatty Boom-Boom?" I snarled.

"Shouldn't you be cleaning about now?"

"Oh, shut up Oldy McOldPants!"


	12. AngryDwarfedScottishElves

**FATH! YAY! She helped me write this chapter. UU What a sweet, kind child she is indeed. Lawl. Neither of us own Eragon or Joy Darville. But we do own Taryn and Peggy-Sue. XD**

"So, basically, you want us elves to sign this so our princess can be kicked out of Ellesmera?"

Fath and I sighed deeply again, and shoved the overly large clipboard further under their noses. "It would be for the best. The elves have suffered more than any race, and we fear princess Arya may seek to destroy you all further. We can show you the video again, if you so desire?" Fath pulled a video camera out of her pocket, which started playing a film of Arya screaming bloody murder and eyeing off knives suspicious-like.

"I don't think that's necessary. We've made our decision."

"And that is?"

"We'll sign, but only as long as she's gone tonight."

"Oh, but of course!" Fath grinned and bowed evilly, muttering "My preeeeecious..." under her breath.

"Sorry?"

"OH! She said...it iiiiiitches! She has this terrible rash see..."

"Right here!" Fath turned around, stuck out her butt and pointed to it.

"Uhh...what's that, queen Islanzadi?! COMING!"

"B-but _you're _queen Islanzadi...?"

It was no use. The queen had already fled. "Fathom, I don't even care that you just pointed out your rear end to the queen. We just petitioned the elves to kick Arya out of Ellesmera!"

"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!"

"Very much so. Perhaps we could celebrate by dancing with the menoa tree?" I said, indicating a large tree some way off.

"OK!" Fath and I skipped all the way there, feet scuffing up the 'perfect' dirt of the 'perfect' little patch of trees they called Du Weldenvarden. As soon as we approached the menoa tree, four angry, stubby little elves with jingle bells leapt out at us, firearms raised.

"Arrrgh! Dohh mmmf hhsk (click) saaarggh ooh!" Said the nearest to us, in a crazily Scottish accent.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH BEARD-FEAR!!" we cried, shielding our eyes from their horrendous beards.

"Oyh fahr oplah nnnny (click) dAAArghs?!"

"YES! IT'S TRUE!" Fath cried, looking over his shoulder rather than be paralysed by his ghastly, hairy chin.

"You speak Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elf?!" I said, stunned.

"My mum made me take lessons...I didn't think I'd ever need them though! OOH...(CLICK)...FAHR...HAAJD...POTATO...NAKDH!"

The Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves dropped their weapons, smiled and nodded. I laughed somewhat hysterically and they hissed towards my general direction.

"Poser-hippies..." I muttered loud enough for them to hear. The shortest, hairiest, Scottish-est elf came forward and pulled Fath down to his level by her ear, shaking his spare fist.

"Pole-dance yuuh darft unn baggelnoff!"

"S-sorry! She didn't mean it! I swear!"

"Did he just say POLE-DANCE?!" I fell to the ground, crying and rolling around.

"Uun baagck gebbeck du FAAAGRH!" With that final statement, the Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves picked up their weapons, cast us scary 'I-will-rape-you' looks and continued on their path to righteousness. Or as righteous as Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves can possible get in this day and age anyway.

"That was...hilariously bizarre... what were they saying?"

"We'll be doomed for all eternity and they curses us so that our grandchildren will have three ears and bread-rolls for brains."

"Oh...well, it could be worse. They could have convinced the normal elves to let Arya back in."

"Oh, they are. They also said once they were done there, they'd come back and rape us, pike our villagers and steal our gold. Then bury our ashes with dung."

"Holy f...fridge!"

"So I'm thinking," Fath picked up a stick and knelt down in the scattered dirt. "That we should follow _this _path," she drew a straight line with the twig. "Until we reach the place we were before, Wherever." She drew a small circle at the end of the line.

"Well, that sure would be great Fathom, if not for the fact you just drew a line and a circle and suggested we follow it. We don't know where Wherever is, we don't know how far, and I miss my nice little room. We're about to be raped and buried by Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves and my new converses are getting dirty. I have a sore foot from stepping on a twig, probably the one you're holding now, and my pet koi sushi floundered this morning so I'm on the brink of depression. I don't think our odds are too good right now!"

"Heyy...what's wrong?!"

"I have a LIST of what's wrong! It says:

Sore foot.

Clearly an unhappy person, because I say so.

I miss Oobliette.

Heartbroken for Antonio (see recording)

The gingerbread man spat on me.

Koi sushi floundered; depression?

Currently in the process of questioning every choice I've ever made, & by extension all I live for.

My bedroom is somewhere unknown.

The antique store I'm getting my bowler hat from is taking forever.

R.I.P.-Sirius Black: "Killed by drapery...loved by all..."

The poser-hippies stole Luna's shoes. Luna is my idol.

The devil told me he loved me, then left me for-"

"Look, I know things are hard for us nowadays...but I really can't finish that sentence."

"I'd noticed." I glared and folded up my list, unhappy it had been interrupted.

"Well let's just...run in that direction and see where it leads us."

"Elves are faster than humans, especially Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves."

"We could steal Saphira?"

"Oh yes, because Eragon would just leave his _dragon _lying around the forest!"

**6728128943763278128945783n367328289478893**

_You need to be more optimistic._

_Yes, Saphira ma'am._

"I can't believe this." I stated, as Fath giggled behind me.

"Why not?"

"Uhh well, we found a giant blue dragon in a clump of trees, and one who decided to let us ride her to a place that we don't know the where-abouts of!"

"I think she gets that sort of thing from Eragon a lot, maybe?"

_Oh, I do._

**234556787864523346789809767v234467**

"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! MY ROOM!" We ran around and hugged everything we could, and Fath even kissed the curtains.

"You realise the Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves might look for us here?" Fathom said absently, petting the curtains and looking a lot like a black-haired version of Luna Lovegood.

"Argh oon fahr mmph (click) dfgsjnb!" came a sound from the hallway. We stared at each other for a few seconds before running into the wardrobe, the same plan forming in our heads. Fath and I put on tiny little miniskirts and overly large, grey, stained t-shirts saying "#1 BITCH" and "#1 SLUT". Quickly devising our trailer-trash names (I was Taryn, she was Peggy-Sue), we heaved on Arya's stolen make-up and sprayed our hair to look like Joy Darville's from My Name Is Earl. Then we walked out of the door, slightly tripping on our extravagant heels.

"We need...to hire...several small...children..." Fath whispered out the corner of her mouth.

We took every child we met that afternoon, leaving a shiny new donkey where they had once stood. We finally had thirty-six kids, and were ready to face the Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves. Turns out they found us before we found them.

"Uhsg friyuah ooh (click) uurgh bagnoff heh?" one asked.

"Oh, darlin'! Aint that sweet! Ya see, we don't speak no Scottish-like! We're just yer average, everyday trailer-whores!" We smiled charmingly, and the Angry-Dwarfed-Scottish-Elves smiled back.

"Kaii." One bowed and said. Then they left.

"Oooh we'll pay for this with blood."

One of the small children had a heart spasm and fell to the ground twitching.


	13. Imperius Faeries

**Dude, don't ask why this took so long. I know, the whole, "I'll update real soon!" thing occurred, but yeah, I lied. And sorry, no Fath in this chapter cause I haven't had much of a chance to organise something with her. This is THE SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER OF THIS STORY.**

* * *

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

"WILL YOU STOP THAT?!?!?"

"B-but Arya...I was under the Imperius curse. You-Know-Who has undermined the Ministry and-"

"You know who?"

"Dude, what's wrong with you? I poke your eye repeatedly and despite that, you continue to ask questions!" I yawned and leaned back too far in the chair. It toppled backwards and I lay still on the floor.

"I'm just mentally strong."

"Minus the strong. Okay then. Mental it is."

"YOU SON OF A-"

Dale and Ale, my friend Molly's pet strippers, decided to make an entrance. Dale wore a fireman suit and a yellow plastic hat, placed oh-so-jauntily on his head. Ale, on the other hand, decided to cut to the chase and wasn't wearing anything at all.

"Hey boys, how's it poppin'?"

"Oh, stho brilliant!" Dale lisped.

"Dale, how many timeths haff I told you? Don't lithsp like that! It thscareths away cuthstomerths!"

Deciding against watching a stripper bitch-slap, I skipped out the room to find my good friend Megan leaning against the wall.

"Oh, hello."

"MEGAN?! YOU'RE BACK FROM DARWIN?!"

"Yeah. Matthew wasn't there, so I came back early." She sniffed, still looking up but texting at the same time, with only one hand and no eyesight.

"Yeaaah. Kay. So I-"

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

Fling.

"EMMA, STOP FLINGING RUBBER BANDS AT ME!!!"

"Sorry." Emma scuffed a foot at the ground and looked earnest.

Now there was me, Megan and Emma.

"What to do, what to do."

"We could cross off a thingy from your list to do to Arya?"

Not bothering to ask how they knew about it, I pulled the list out.

"I suggest we go for 'I will not ask the local woodpecker to sit on her shoulder'. It's always been close to my heart."

--------

"It is done." Megan gasped, wiping a trickle of blood off her forehead with the hand not connected to the phone. A wriggling bag sat at her feet, and Emma was tying a thick rope around the top. Clearly, the woodpecker was inside.

Next step: Attach To Arya.

---------

"Hi, Arya. You haven't met me before, I'm Emma. I'm a huge fan." Emma grinned and shook a blushing Arya's hand.

"Nice to meet you. Do you want an autograph?"

"No thanks."

"Picture?"

"Not really."

"Pair of my underwear to obsess over?!"

"I'd rather not actually."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Emma shuffled nervously, "But I bought you a present."

"Thanks! Is it expensive?!"

"Yeah. It's all the rage where I come from." Emma turned all the way around and gave a wave, then started doing Ancient Sign Language.

Nose tap, nose tap, ear tug, ear tug, arms together, arms together, wink, wink, cough, cough, sea turtle, hand sea, hand sea, spider-on-a-mirror, shoulder tap, shoulder tap, butterfly.

I nodded.

Slowly, Emma untied the bag. The woodpecker popped it's head out.

It was like you see in little childrens' cartoons. A close-up of a cute little birdy with pink, rosy cheeks, sparkly eyes and fluffed up, cutesy feathers.

Then it attacked.

But not Arya, as planned.

"GET THIS FREAKING THING OFF ME! OWW, MY SPLEEN! NOT THERE, NOT THERE! OKAY, OKAY! I GIVE IN! YOU WIN! I JUST...AHHHHH!"

"Someone should help her, hey." Megan said absently, hand still working the buttons on her phone. I ran to Emma and flung rubber bands, trying to aim at the woodpecker. Most of them actually got there, but some of them got Arya.

Not that I'd complain.

Emma gave a sigh of relief.

"I'm going back to bar-tending school..." She muttered.

-------

"I'm a FAERY, not a FAIRY!" I pouted, crossing my arms and stomping my foot. Arya, being the insolent mooncalf she was, protested.

"Dude, she's a faery. Hence the band shirts, chains, black jeans and goth eyes."

"But she has FAIRY wings! She's a FAIRY!"

"THEY'RE FAERY WINGS! TELL HER, EMMA! TELL HER!"

Our loud exclamations were interrupted.

**"SEVEN DAYS."**

Megan jumped. For a second we actually thought her phone had detatched from her hand about a centimetre, but we must have been mistaken, surely.

"What the...?"

**"SEVEN DAYS."**

And so it became, we earned ourselves a stalker.

* * *

**I'm so sorry. I'm flipping tired. The only reason I added Em and Meg was cause Em invited me over Thursday night so I thought I'd be nice back, and cause Megan had it coming to her. And she IS in Darwin, so she can't hurt me.**

**Haha. Sucked in.**

**xxx**


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